So betrayed. I'm sick to my stomach.

More reasons to delete my existence

You. Yes You. The one that takes my personal life and shares it with the crime blogging community. I am not o.k. with that. When I take all of your failures and gloss them up for anyone that's interested to take a peak and pass judgement on you. Than maybe you will finally fucking get it. I'm about to erase my existence from society and disappear, so that I don't have to keep having the little bit of trust I have remaining completely extinguished. FTW.

Answering my own questions.

You accept your part in the past. You tell yourself that you are doing this for you and no one's opinion matters. You remind yourself that your lucky to have the family and friends that you have. Then you eat a 4 tacos and a bowl of ice cream.

What do you do when.....

• Your apologies are worthless.
• You are too late in your attempts to better yourself as a human being.
• You are asked to be open and honest. You do it. Then all that shit you didn't want to share in the first place, is all used against you.
• You fight for what you want. You lose. You fight. Then you sit back and feel pathetic for even trying.
• Your attempt at compassion and kindness is confused as weakness.
  
• You are wrong when you fake happy to get through your day.
• You are wrong when you are honest about being unhappy that day.

I know that I was a selfish piece of shit. I have caused an unmeasurable amount of worry. I have hurt countless feelings.

I have taken beautiful, smart and talented women overflowing with love and changed them into shallow, cold and empty vessels. To the point, that one of those women fakes a kidnapping and kills our only daughter. It's all my fucking fault. I could have tried harder right?

I'm sorry (worthless statement) that I have a hard time feeling worthy of happiness, love or joy in my life. I don't think I have earned any of those things based on my current track record.

Please do not mistake this is a pity party.
Fuck your pity. Fuck your parties.
Fuck your suggestions on how I should live my life and Fuck the deadline you set for me to meet them by.

Too Little. Too Late.

It will always be Too Little. Too Late.

I get it.

And Now a Vintage Piece to Go in the Spring Collection

"I wish you would just be honest with me?"

I'm tired of carrying this old second hand suitcase, stuffed with resentments... everywhere I go.

It's heavy.

It's been dragged, dropped, stolen and snooped in.

Talked about over some cocktails, when I'm not in the room or not in the picture.

Emotions and thoughts become decisions and actions.

Those actions become your secrets.

You have every right to them.

So I will just shove this resentment, into that old suitcase with all the other ones.

I move forward and it drags behind me.

There is a power greater than myself that is going to use my life as an example. Good or Bad. That choice is mine to make.

I am not o.k. with....

• The fact that my crazy ex-girlfriend murdered our daughter and left her body in a field almost a year ago today.
• The chance that same ex-girlfriend could be getting a plea bargain and serving 15 years with a chance of parole.
• The next hearing for this trial being scheduled on my 31st birthday.
• My daughters pictures are up on strangers crime blogs. How would you feel if someone you had never met (strangers) had pictures of your kids (living or deceased) on their blogs. Violated perhaps. Exploited is a word that comes to mind. Not comfortable is right on the money.
  
• People asking me "So how's everything going?" It's fucked up. I accept everything that has happened. I take responsibility for letting shit that is totally out of my control, take over and ruin all the shit I did have control over. I'm a fucking mess and I'm doing the best I can to be positive and move forward with my life.
  
• People who drink asking me how not drinking is going. Go fuck yourself. Actually take a good long look in the mirror, while you are fucking yourself.
• Forgiveness, Trust, Surrender, Bounderies, Accepting love, Self worth and whole lot of other shit, but at least I'm working on it. Are you?
  
• The fact that I didn't speak up, when you stopped loving me and started loving the idea of who I could be.
  

Wish me luck this week. It is not going to be easy. I don't intend on making it look easy. Sorry I just don't have it in me to bullshit nobody. My suggestion would be patience and a little compassion, but that's just a suggestion.

Tony.