So betrayed. I'm sick to my stomach.

More reasons to delete my existence

You. Yes You. The one that takes my personal life and shares it with the crime blogging community. I am not o.k. with that. When I take all of your failures and gloss them up for anyone that's interested to take a peak and pass judgement on you. Than maybe you will finally fucking get it. I'm about to erase my existence from society and disappear, so that I don't have to keep having the little bit of trust I have remaining completely extinguished. FTW.

Answering my own questions.

You accept your part in the past. You tell yourself that you are doing this for you and no one's opinion matters. You remind yourself that your lucky to have the family and friends that you have. Then you eat a 4 tacos and a bowl of ice cream.

What do you do when.....

• Your apologies are worthless.
• You are too late in your attempts to better yourself as a human being.
• You are asked to be open and honest. You do it. Then all that shit you didn't want to share in the first place, is all used against you.
• You fight for what you want. You lose. You fight. Then you sit back and feel pathetic for even trying.
• Your attempt at compassion and kindness is confused as weakness.
  
• You are wrong when you fake happy to get through your day.
• You are wrong when you are honest about being unhappy that day.

I know that I was a selfish piece of shit. I have caused an unmeasurable amount of worry. I have hurt countless feelings.

I have taken beautiful, smart and talented women overflowing with love and changed them into shallow, cold and empty vessels. To the point, that one of those women fakes a kidnapping and kills our only daughter. It's all my fucking fault. I could have tried harder right?

I'm sorry (worthless statement) that I have a hard time feeling worthy of happiness, love or joy in my life. I don't think I have earned any of those things based on my current track record.

Please do not mistake this is a pity party.
Fuck your pity. Fuck your parties.
Fuck your suggestions on how I should live my life and Fuck the deadline you set for me to meet them by.

Too Little. Too Late.

It will always be Too Little. Too Late.

I get it.

And Now a Vintage Piece to Go in the Spring Collection

"I wish you would just be honest with me?"

I'm tired of carrying this old second hand suitcase, stuffed with resentments... everywhere I go.

It's heavy.

It's been dragged, dropped, stolen and snooped in.

Talked about over some cocktails, when I'm not in the room or not in the picture.

Emotions and thoughts become decisions and actions.

Those actions become your secrets.

You have every right to them.

So I will just shove this resentment, into that old suitcase with all the other ones.

I move forward and it drags behind me.

There is a power greater than myself that is going to use my life as an example. Good or Bad. That choice is mine to make.

I am not o.k. with....

• The fact that my crazy ex-girlfriend murdered our daughter and left her body in a field almost a year ago today.
• The chance that same ex-girlfriend could be getting a plea bargain and serving 15 years with a chance of parole.
• The next hearing for this trial being scheduled on my 31st birthday.
• My daughters pictures are up on strangers crime blogs. How would you feel if someone you had never met (strangers) had pictures of your kids (living or deceased) on their blogs. Violated perhaps. Exploited is a word that comes to mind. Not comfortable is right on the money.
  
• People asking me "So how's everything going?" It's fucked up. I accept everything that has happened. I take responsibility for letting shit that is totally out of my control, take over and ruin all the shit I did have control over. I'm a fucking mess and I'm doing the best I can to be positive and move forward with my life.
  
• People who drink asking me how not drinking is going. Go fuck yourself. Actually take a good long look in the mirror, while you are fucking yourself.
• Forgiveness, Trust, Surrender, Bounderies, Accepting love, Self worth and whole lot of other shit, but at least I'm working on it. Are you?
  
• The fact that I didn't speak up, when you stopped loving me and started loving the idea of who I could be.
  

Wish me luck this week. It is not going to be easy. I don't intend on making it look easy. Sorry I just don't have it in me to bullshit nobody. My suggestion would be patience and a little compassion, but that's just a suggestion.

Tony.

You burned these bridges bright
So that i could see, there's more to this life
Than empty baggies and dirty glass pipes
I swear to god I'll stay clean this time

I watched it burn and listened to you cry
Held my tongue while ash rained from the sky
Till we we're knee deep in a pile of white lies
and god served us 18 to life

Don't tell me how to live my life
I'll make my mistakes
One decision at a time
I was put on this earth
To Love, Fuck and Fight
Don't worry about me, I'm alright

So I'm stubborn and I'm selfish
And I hate to be alone
God I wish I knew surrender
Most nights it's just a six string and sad sad songs
I doubt anyone will ever remember

I try to be a brother and I try to be a friend
You know I can never give up
I just spit out the teeth
Knock off the dust
And wait for the next punch to come

Don't tell me how to live my life
I'll make my mistakes
One decision at a time
I was put on this earth
To Love, Fuck and Fight
Don't worry about me, I'm alright

Young, Dumb and Full of...

I can remember
When you held a song in your heart
I was a hopeless romantic
And you were just hopeless

There were hot summer nights with no AC
The hottest nights were just you and me
Dumb, drunk, making love
That's how we broke the box springs

All the punk rock poets warned us
Off key in 4/4 time
That the whole wide world was against us
and it stays against us
till we give in, we give up or die

We were the loners, the losers
The masters of the mixtape
We held more vinyl records
Than conversations, jobs or first dates

When shit got rough
Than we'd fake tough
We wrote our on prescriptions
Some called in survival
Until it turned against them

Sometimes
We just don't have control
Our Solutions to the problems
Are discovered
To be the problems all along

Sometimes
We're just supposed to listen
Try to use compassion
and accept life
Accept life as it comes.

Come out Swinging

We always come out swinging
We always take our medicine
We always carry a heavy heart
For Ourselves and For our Best Friends

We've worn black eyed badges
We have the scars to remind us
Of the times
We raised our middle fingers in the air
Screamed Fuck It All and Fuck the Consequences.

And if there is a light
At the end of this tunnel
I hope its warm neon glowing from afar
And if we stand and fight
We can over come this struggle
You Can Judge Our Covers
But We Still Have Hearts of Gold

We work the forty plus work week
With less than twenty hours sleep
We hate word problems, but know that
Our Paychecks Already Spent

Were always waiting for the next show
We sing along to the songs we know
We raise tattooed arms with
Clenched Fists Above Our Head

And if there is a light
At the end of this tunnel
I hope its warm neon glowing from afar
And if we stand and fight
We can over come this struggle
You Can Judge Our Covers
But We Still Have Hearts of Gold

Pointers on Fingers

I haven't posted in a long time. So here is an itemized breakdown on what I have been up to.

• I moved to Long Beach.
• My daughter turned one years old. I get to see her now and I like that.
  
• Got a job at Sprouts working as Meat Cutter.
• I enrolled in Culinary School.
• Yesterday I chopped off the tip of my left index finger.

I'm sure I'm missing some other stuff, but this is my attempt at writing. Again.

Oh shit! No he didn't...

My 3 favorite ladies are going on a road trip from Lancaster, CA to Chicago IL. I'm currently working on a 4 disc mix set (My most ambitious attempt at mix cd's to date). Here is the one I'm calling "Oh Shit! No He Didn't."

Track List:

1. You got it (The Right Stuff) - New Kids on the Block
2. Kiss Me Deadly - Lita Ford
3. Touch Me (I Want Your Body) - Samantha Fox
4. Point of No Return - Expose
5. Jane Fonda - Mickey Avalon
6. Laugh/Love/Fuck - The Coup
7. Heat of the Moment - Asia
8. To Be With You - Mr. Big
9. Two of Hearts - Stacey Q
10. Talking in Your Sleep - The Romantics
11. Let's Hear it for the Boy - Deniece Williams
12. Shake it Up - The Cars
13. Here I Go Again - Whitesnake
14. I Like it - Dino
15. Girlfriend - Pebbles
16. Maneater - Hall and Oates
17. Head over Heels - The Go-Go's

I'm going to go try to find my balls now. I hope the ladies appreciate this one.

Put that in your blog and smoke it

Time to start blogging again. Bill tagged me with 8 things, so here it goes:

1. I'm fucking crazy. I'm pretty sure that all my past drug use threw all my bodies chemicals out of whack. I also think that a few nerve endings were fried because sometimes I twitch for no reason.

2. The first girl I ever kissed was named Gloria. I was in the 6th grade and it was her birthday.

3. I love dumb romantic comedies. It's embarrassing, but I can't help it.

4. I ran away from my home in Utah on Christmas morning when I was 15. I've been in California ever since.

5. The first time I ever masturbated I was also 15 (that was a big year for me). The Chefs in the restaurant I worked in told me that I was pussy because I had never done it before. God bless peer pressure.

6. I love potatoes.

7. I'm having a baby in September and I'm terrified.

8. My real name is Anthony Jaramillo. Originally i was supposed to be Salvador Anthony Jaramillo, but my Mom cut off the Salvador. I could see myself as a "Sal."

I don't really know who to tag, but I'm going to start blogging again. Peace out.

"Repo Man Haiku for $700 Alex."

Car was repossessed
Yesterday made Tony sad
Knew it was coming

Yesterday my car was finally repossessed. I knew it was going to happen, but it still sucks. At least the Repo Man let me get my cd's out. Looks like I will be riding the metrolink to May Day.

My Complaints are Accompanied by a Six String

I have always enjoyed a good political song. In the past I have made attempts at writing them, but they always seemed a bit callow (Though the only ears to hear those songs were my own).
Any song that can not only touch people, but compel them to take action is truly a magnificent feat. I love those songs.

This is not one of those.

Simply some observations and opinions that are to be screamed over a guitar that is slightly out of tune.

We can wait
Until our problems
Have gone so long
its too late to solve them
Hesitate
Self-Medicate
The kids
Can fix it on their own

Our Attention
Undivided
On the topics
Media provides us
Stories Spun
A War Begun
Before Senate ever had a vote

And no asked how the fire started
We simply empathized for the broken hearted
While our rights are slowly stripped away
Privacy for freedom is the price that we pay

When illness
Is a business
Staying sick
Is what you live with
Pill and Prescriptions
Legal addictions
And a thank you for your time

Because finding cures lowers profit margins
So killing pain becomes your next best option
Your next fix comes in a pharmacy
24 hours, 7 days a week

Can't sleep, counting blessings, counting sheep.

What do you think about when you can't sleep?

Tonight my brain is overwhelmed with memories. They make my heart beat hard and slow. Each time it pumps, it hits the inside of my chest with force. It is the kind of strike that resonates through every bone and every muscle in my body. Like a prize fighter that slowly and surgically throws lefts, rights and uppercuts into the center of my being. There is nothing I can do, but sit awake and think about every punch that is thrown.

The problem is that everything running through my head is so random. The stripper that told about being raped by her father when she was eleven. My Mom's attempt at suicide (for the second time). Singing songs in backyards. My personal fears of failure and being alone. The list goes on.

I am forced to write. My personal little way of turning demons into words. Confessing. I pray silently that by writing this, I will somehow appease some of the dust covered skeletons that are rapping on the closet door.

I wonder if I will ever be brave enough to clean out that fucking closet?

Utah top 5

So my trip to Utah has come to end. Shortly I will be leaving to the Salt Lake City airport and hopefully (crossing fingers) getting a tasty airport Bloody Mary (I know they keep two bars somewhere in the Salt Lake City Airport to make a good impression on people arriving in Utah).

Here are my top 5 Utah moments:

1. Crashing a snowmobile into a boulder.


Riding snowmobiles is a fucking blast, until you crash it into a boulder. I was trying to avoid a group of snowmobile riders who took a break in the middle of the trail. I went on the side of the trail and the fresh powder sucked me and the 850 pound snowmobile into a boulder. I had to bail of the machine in order to not die. The snowmobile survived with only a broken windshield. Good times.

2. Hanging out with my Dad

Me and the old man just don't get to see each other that often. So it was really great to drink beer at 9000 ft. and chain smoke with him all week long. He even gave me fatherly advice, which was pretty cool.

3. Wandering through a house worth 30 million dollars.

This house belongs to a guy named Meta. He was Richard Petty's manager, owned a portion of ford leasing and is real estate developer in PA. This house is ridiculous.

4. Seeing the house I grew up in

I grew up in this little house on Main Street in Park City, UT. I used to have to shovel my way out, to walk down the street and catch a bus to school in the winter. The snow here sucks to have to shovel, but is the best to ride on.

5. Scones

Scones are these tasty deep fried pastries and I love them. They serve them in all the cafes here. I like mine with butter and honey. Mmmmmm.....scone.


So I come home for two days and then leave for tour in Texas. Hopefully the Texas top five will be a little more exciting and involve some BBQ. Peace out party people there is a plane and a Bloody Mary calling my name.

Where in the world is Tony?

Midway, Utah

Some fun facts about Midway, Utah:

• Founded in 1891 by Swiss Emigrants
  
• The City hosted the Cross Country Skiing and Bi-atholon events during the 2002 winter olympics
• I can't find a fucking bar anywhere here. The closest one is in Heber and it is called the Other End.
  
• Known for it's "Hot Pots" or Geo-thermal calderas. (The water is between 90-95 degrees year round)
  
• According to the last census taken 97% of the city is white
• The beer I'm drinking at this exact moment is 3.2%. Thank god I have a bottle of Jager.
• There is a Goose across the street from my Dads and it has a shit fit anytime I go outside.
  

Crackers II

My surreal Utah moment

So I was at my little sisters apartment watching the most recent Dane Cook, HBO Standup special on DVD. I'm drinking her roommates gin and laughing out loud from time to time. My body is requesting nicotine (as it usually does when I'm drinking). Its 4 degrees outside.

I think to myself "Is the cigarette really worth it?"

I step out into the cold Utah air to smoke my Marlboro Light. I can see my breath. My body shivers.

I think to myself again "Is this really worth it?"

A guy with a mullet walks out the door of the building across from my sisters and starts up his car. Its a shit brown Chevy Caprice. He fires it up and runs back inside the apartment building, leaving the car unattended.

"Round Here" by Counting Crows is coming from the Caprice. Its a full moon tonight. I can hear different conversations coming from various apartments in the two buildings. A couple is fighting.

I take a hit of my cigarette.
(Round here we always stand up straight)

"Fuck you Cunt," comes from the apartment above my sisters.

I take a hit of my cigarette. I'm shaking from the cold.

"You are such an asshole!" same apartment, but crying female voice.
(Maria came from Nashville with a suitcase in her hand.)

I take a hit of my cigarette

A beer can is thrown. A door slams. A guy wearing a wool coat and sporting the worlds biggest fucking belt buckle, hops in into his 4x4 and peels out.

(Round here we're carving out our names)

The girl upstairs is crying.
(Round here we all look the same)

My hands and feet are numb. I start coughing.
(Round here we talk just like lions)

I take the last hit of the cigarette and flick it into a snow bank.

(But we sacrifice like lambs)

I never would have pegged that guy as a Counting Crows fan. I need to quit smoking.

My winter mix

Nothing can change this love - Sam Cooke
New Slang - The Shins
Street Fighting Man - The Rolling Stones
The Rescue Blues - Ryan Adams
Blanket of Ghosts - Dustin Kensrue
The Rain - K-OS
Unsubstantiated Rumors Are Good Enough For Me (To Base My Life Upon) - Against Me!
Sorrow - Bad Religion
Tuck Me In - Alkaline Trio
Ain't no reason- Brett Dennen
Blue Eyes - Cary Brothers
Not the Same - Ben Folds