There is a power greater than myself that is going to use my life as an example. Good or Bad. That choice is mine to make.

I am not o.k. with....

• The fact that my crazy ex-girlfriend murdered our daughter and left her body in a field almost a year ago today.
• The chance that same ex-girlfriend could be getting a plea bargain and serving 15 years with a chance of parole.
• The next hearing for this trial being scheduled on my 31st birthday.
• My daughters pictures are up on strangers crime blogs. How would you feel if someone you had never met (strangers) had pictures of your kids (living or deceased) on their blogs. Violated perhaps. Exploited is a word that comes to mind. Not comfortable is right on the money.
  
• People asking me "So how's everything going?" It's fucked up. I accept everything that has happened. I take responsibility for letting shit that is totally out of my control, take over and ruin all the shit I did have control over. I'm a fucking mess and I'm doing the best I can to be positive and move forward with my life.
  
• People who drink asking me how not drinking is going. Go fuck yourself. Actually take a good long look in the mirror, while you are fucking yourself.
• Forgiveness, Trust, Surrender, Bounderies, Accepting love, Self worth and whole lot of other shit, but at least I'm working on it. Are you?
  
• The fact that I didn't speak up, when you stopped loving me and started loving the idea of who I could be.
  

Wish me luck this week. It is not going to be easy. I don't intend on making it look easy. Sorry I just don't have it in me to bullshit nobody. My suggestion would be patience and a little compassion, but that's just a suggestion.

Tony.

You burned these bridges bright
So that i could see, there's more to this life
Than empty baggies and dirty glass pipes
I swear to god I'll stay clean this time

I watched it burn and listened to you cry
Held my tongue while ash rained from the sky
Till we we're knee deep in a pile of white lies
and god served us 18 to life

Don't tell me how to live my life
I'll make my mistakes
One decision at a time
I was put on this earth
To Love, Fuck and Fight
Don't worry about me, I'm alright

So I'm stubborn and I'm selfish
And I hate to be alone
God I wish I knew surrender
Most nights it's just a six string and sad sad songs
I doubt anyone will ever remember

I try to be a brother and I try to be a friend
You know I can never give up
I just spit out the teeth
Knock off the dust
And wait for the next punch to come

Don't tell me how to live my life
I'll make my mistakes
One decision at a time
I was put on this earth
To Love, Fuck and Fight
Don't worry about me, I'm alright

Young, Dumb and Full of...

I can remember
When you held a song in your heart
I was a hopeless romantic
And you were just hopeless

There were hot summer nights with no AC
The hottest nights were just you and me
Dumb, drunk, making love
That's how we broke the box springs

All the punk rock poets warned us
Off key in 4/4 time
That the whole wide world was against us
and it stays against us
till we give in, we give up or die

We were the loners, the losers
The masters of the mixtape
We held more vinyl records
Than conversations, jobs or first dates

When shit got rough
Than we'd fake tough
We wrote our on prescriptions
Some called in survival
Until it turned against them

Sometimes
We just don't have control
Our Solutions to the problems
Are discovered
To be the problems all along

Sometimes
We're just supposed to listen
Try to use compassion
and accept life
Accept life as it comes.

Come out Swinging

We always come out swinging
We always take our medicine
We always carry a heavy heart
For Ourselves and For our Best Friends

We've worn black eyed badges
We have the scars to remind us
Of the times
We raised our middle fingers in the air
Screamed Fuck It All and Fuck the Consequences.

And if there is a light
At the end of this tunnel
I hope its warm neon glowing from afar
And if we stand and fight
We can over come this struggle
You Can Judge Our Covers
But We Still Have Hearts of Gold

We work the forty plus work week
With less than twenty hours sleep
We hate word problems, but know that
Our Paychecks Already Spent

Were always waiting for the next show
We sing along to the songs we know
We raise tattooed arms with
Clenched Fists Above Our Head

And if there is a light
At the end of this tunnel
I hope its warm neon glowing from afar
And if we stand and fight
We can over come this struggle
You Can Judge Our Covers
But We Still Have Hearts of Gold

Pointers on Fingers

I haven't posted in a long time. So here is an itemized breakdown on what I have been up to.

• I moved to Long Beach.
• My daughter turned one years old. I get to see her now and I like that.
  
• Got a job at Sprouts working as Meat Cutter.
• I enrolled in Culinary School.
• Yesterday I chopped off the tip of my left index finger.

I'm sure I'm missing some other stuff, but this is my attempt at writing. Again.

Oh shit! No he didn't...

My 3 favorite ladies are going on a road trip from Lancaster, CA to Chicago IL. I'm currently working on a 4 disc mix set (My most ambitious attempt at mix cd's to date). Here is the one I'm calling "Oh Shit! No He Didn't."

Track List:

1. You got it (The Right Stuff) - New Kids on the Block
2. Kiss Me Deadly - Lita Ford
3. Touch Me (I Want Your Body) - Samantha Fox
4. Point of No Return - Expose
5. Jane Fonda - Mickey Avalon
6. Laugh/Love/Fuck - The Coup
7. Heat of the Moment - Asia
8. To Be With You - Mr. Big
9. Two of Hearts - Stacey Q
10. Talking in Your Sleep - The Romantics
11. Let's Hear it for the Boy - Deniece Williams
12. Shake it Up - The Cars
13. Here I Go Again - Whitesnake
14. I Like it - Dino
15. Girlfriend - Pebbles
16. Maneater - Hall and Oates
17. Head over Heels - The Go-Go's

I'm going to go try to find my balls now. I hope the ladies appreciate this one.